Pray, Mommy, Pray

It was 3:10 a.m.

Eighteen-month-old “Beatrix” (our middle child with big brown eyes) had been awake since 12:30 a.m. We had changed her, rocked her, and fed her almost a half-gallon of milk one bottle at a time; she refused to sleep. We left her in her crib; she cried for an hour. We took her into our bed; cuddles turned into identifying parental facial anatomy with pointy fingers. Desperate, I was doing the bedtime routine one more time. Beatrix was on my lap, bottle in mouth and precious bunny in hand, quiet as we rocked. Then she took her bottle out of her mouth, looked at me, and said one word. 

“Pray.”

It was easy to remember to pray over my children during pregnancy. In that situation, I realized my lack of control. Sure, I could eat, sleep, drink, exercise, and go to my check-ups, but I couldn’t will the child inside of me to live and grow. I was in a position of complete dependence on God as the Giver and Sustainer of all things. When the fears came, when stories of miscarriage were told, when I heard of complications, all I could do was pray. Then the baby was born, and I got busy.

Somehow, when baby comes out into the world where we can see and hold it, we tend to forget about prayer. When the baby fusses, we check off a list of possible causes. When baby gets sick, we stay awake all night to make sure they breathe. When baby won’t sleep, we get annoyed. When baby seems late to achieve a milestone, we call mommy friends for advice. So often in in our caring and doing, we forget the most important thing: prayer. Although a child outside the womb keeps us busier, the child’s change in location has not changed our limited abilities to keep the child alive. We are still completely dependent on God for each breath.

The good news: we serve a God who is happy to hear our prayers and to answer us (Psalm 34:15). Our prayers are not bothersome to Him. Rather, as the apostle Peter encourages us, we are to cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, emphasis added). He cares. As we seek to care for our families, we should do it in prayerful dependence on Him. And as we pray, we should be strengthened by remembering what this God we pray to is like... 

He is Creator. “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.” (Psalm 139:13-15)

He is wise. "Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure." (Psalm 147:5)

 He is mighty. "Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you." (Jeremiah 32:17)

He is provider. “Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.” (Psalm 34:9-10) “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” (1 Corinthians 9:8)

He is never-tiring. “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.” (Isaiah 40:28-29)

He is sovereign. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalm 139:16)

He is compassionate. "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:13-14)

He is attentive. “[K]now that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.” (Psalm 4:3)

He is a refuge. “On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.” (Psalm 62:7-8)

 

He is faithful. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6) 

After Beatrix finished her bottle, I prayed over her and put her in her crib—where she slept peacefully the rest of the night.

That night, God answered our prayers with sleep, but He didn’t always answer our prayers with sleep. Sometimes we were awake all night. Sometimes instead of sleep He sent helpers to get us through the next day, naps when we needed the sleep, or just strength beyond our strength to keep going when we didn’t think we could. His answers are not always what we ask for, but He always answers, and in ways that are good for us. 

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?  If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:7-11) 

Pray. When the days are good or the nights are hard, pray. When baby fusses or toddler asks one more question, pray. When you don’t know what to do, pray. Pray, mommy, pray.

“[D]o not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

Prepare Your Heart with the Word

Read the Word. Meditate on the Word. Study the Word. Sing the Word.

In the midst of running errands, I received a text from my mom. My cousin had a serious infection. He was fading fast. When we arrived at the hospital, he was confused and anxious. As I held his hand and wondered if this was goodbye, I spoke the first verse that came to mind:

 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:1b-3a

When I memorized that verse as a teenager, our family was not in a moment of crisis. It was just the next verse on the list. However, in that hospital room, I was thankful for that strong, memorized Word to cling to. When the moment of trouble arrives, we rarely have time to search through our concordance for the perfect verse to quench the fiery darts flying at us. So friends, may I challenge us to consider how we are fortifying our souls for the days of trouble? After all, we have been promised that trouble will come (John 16:33). The question is, are we preparing to meet it?

Read the Word. Remember the blessed man of Psalm 1? “[H]is delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither” (Psalm 1:2b-3a). He continuously fills himself with the Word, and in so doing, he does not wither. Drink from the Word. Do it daily. Do it when you need it most. In those hectic, harried days of infants and toddlers, I needed the Word at night to bring peace and rest. Now that the kids are older, the Word is my morning wakeup, giving me hope and focus for the day ahead. Sometimes I read chapters, sometimes a just single chapter. The point is to read it, know it, pray through it, and submit to it. There is not a burden we carry or a trouble we face that cannot be helped by a better knowledge of what God has spoken to us:

“The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.” (Psalm 19:7-11)

Meditate on the Word. It is good to read through the whole Bible, but we should not be content with just a broad overview. We must learn to “camp out” in a text. Different passages speak more poignantly to us in different seasons, and they are worth digging into. For example, as a single woman, I anchored my soul in the sovereignty of God expressed in the book of Ruth. While preparing for marriage, it was John 15. This summer it was Psalm 103. For my oldest son, it is Proverbs 18:10 and Psalm 56:3-4. Take time to read deeply: look up cross references, learn the historical context, and read commentaries to see what theological gems scholars have gleaned. Does a certain passage grip your heart? Write it on an index card and put it up on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, in your purse or wallet—anywhere you will see it often. Memorize it. When trials come, rehearse it in your mind until your soul is refreshed in its truth.

“My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” (Psalm 63:5-8)

Study the Word under trustworthy teachers.  God has gifted certain men with the ministry of the Word, and we do well to place ourselves under their exegetical preaching. But as a mom, I rarely have the opportunity to listen undistracted on a Sunday morning—not to mention the Sundays we stay home sick. However, we live in a digital age. Many churches make their sermons available online. Find and listen to sermons by trustworthy pastors that will help you understand the Word better as well as how to accurately apply it to your life. While teaching in children’s Sunday school, I made it a habit to listen to one sermon each week (sometimes my local pastor, but also John Piper or John MacArthur) that focused on the main Scripture text of my lesson. Not only did this help me prepare for Sunday school, but it fed my soul in a season of distracted and sporadic attendance.

“[R]eceive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” (James 1:21b)

Sing the Word. Sometimes songs penetrate hearts deeper than spoken truth. Stock your music library with songs grounded in the Word that will lift your heart to God (artists like Keith& Kristyn Getty and Fernando Ortega do this well). Play them as you go about your household tasks or as you drive around in the car. Study the lyrics and think through the truths they speak. Listen to them until they penetrate your memory. Every night our children fall asleep to Fernando Ortega’s album “The Shadow of Your Wings”—an album filled with Scripture-based songs as well as hymns. Not only has this album quieted our restless souls, it has taught our children hymns we sing in corporate worship. There is nothing so heartening as hearing your daughter happily belting out “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” while brushing her teeth.

“It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, […]. For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.” (Psalm 92:1-2, 4)

Don’t wait for the hospital room to find that verse you need, to ask that theological question, to try to remember what exactly those good lyrics are. Prepare. Prepare your heart for the next family gathering, for the “random” moment you run into an old friend who has just heard bad news, or even for the next time your child has a nightmare. Jesus said troubles would come—and He did not leave us without help. Read the Word. Meditate on the Word. Study the Word. Sing the Word.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:16-17)

Regaining Your Focus in the Fight for Joy

Frightened? Discouraged? Angry? Look.

4:41 p.m. on a Friday afternoon, panic struck. I had recently experienced head-to-toe hives in reaction to a medication and I felt awful. As the clock hands ticked closer to that five o’clock hour when all my doctors would go home for the weekend, my anxiety grew. I knew there was nothing a doctor could do for me, but it felt as though I would be abandoned to my confusion and pain.

What do you do when the anxiety comes? When the discouragement chokes you? Everyone faces moments of emotional tailspin. Life becomes too much and we crumble. We are made of dust (Psalm 103:14).

Stop. Breathe. Look up. Look in. Look out. Look up again--to Jesus.

1. Look up. “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock” (Isaiah 26:3-4). That was the verse I rehearsed with my oldest son as I washed his hair that evening. “Mommy, why do they call God a rock?” he asked. We reviewed some of the qualities of earthly, mountain rocks: long-lasting; hard to move; solid; sure shelter in a storm. Then we remembered God’s rock-like attributes: He is eternal, unshakeable, unchangeable, and always victorious. He is a place of refuge for His people.

God gives us more than we can manage because in moments of crisis we see our true need of Him. Yet He does not leave us without shelter in the storm of our despair: “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe” (Proverbs 18:10). Look to Him. Remember His names, His attributes, His promises, His mighty deeds in the Bible, and His mighty works in the world. Read the Bible. Rehearse Bible verses from memory. Listen to a sermon from a trusted pastor. Listen to hymns and worship music that point you to God. Call to Him in prayer. He will not cast you out.

2. Look in. What is at the root of this downward spiral? Is the cause real or imagined? That Friday afternoon, my panic wasn’t founded on what was real. I was feeling crumby as a lot of people do coming off steroids, but I’m the queen of “worst case scenario.” My panic was built on all the “what ifs?”—my very own imaginings about what might happen, not on the reality of where God had me.

Consider carefully the reality of your condition. Where has God placed you at this moment? Thank Him when the pastures are more peaceful than your imaginings. When in the valley, trust Him to lead you through. Don’t run ahead of Him thinking about all the trouble that might happen. Worst case scenario may not be where He will lead you.

There are other ways “what ifs?” cause meltdown, like all the many things we want to do. There are many projects and ministries I would love to do, but if I try to do them all, everything (including me) will end up a half-baked mess. Step back and assess. Make a list of everything you are currently expecting yourself to accomplish. What are the essential things? What are the negotiables? What are the things God is clearly calling you to do? Pray and ask for the wisdom to know what is best, what is essential, what can be done simpler, and what can wait. God doesn’t call you to do everything. Settle for doing what He calls you to do.

3. Look out at others—and serve. Maybe you read this and say, “Wait—I don’t have time for this! Remember, I just made a list and cut the non-essentials.” Ministry to others is essential because we do our best fighting for faith when we are fighting for the faith of someone else. Looking to the needs of others puts our own trials into perspective. For example, after my own diagnosis with postpartum depression, two families in our circle welcomed new babies in challenging circumstances and another family faced a medical crisis. I was already in the kitchen cooking meals for us—so I doubled the amounts and sent my husband out on meal delivery (he never complained about getting a quiet car ride to himself). Making meals for others took my eyes off myself and gave me the perspective I needed to prioritize life. Also, having received so much grace and help, it was an encouragement to find I could pass on that grace to others.

You may not be in place where you feel physically able to serve others. Start small. Take time every week to send someone a text, an email, or a note of encouragement. It could be as simple as sharing a Bible verse, a quote, or a beautiful picture to brighten their day. This summer as I walked through medical trials, when God used a particular passage to calm my heart, I would text it to a friend who needed encouragement.  Look at the people around you. Who is struggling? Who is in need of encouragement? Start praying for others, and then send them a note of encouragement.

4. Look up again—to Jesus. The killer thing with depression or anxiety is that we begin to fixate on the challenge we are up against. That thing we don’t have—sleep, rest, quiet, health, a clean house, an ideal job, etc.—becomes the only thing we think about. As it devours our minds, it devours our heart’s affections until it dominates our lives. James 4:1-2 leads us to the end of this cycle: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?  You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”

It isn’t that sleep—or peace of mind, quiet, orderliness, a job, or health—is wrong, but it is wrong when the desire for it outgrows the desire for anything else, including God’s wise will for our lives or for His name to be glorified through us. What we need most isn’t sleep or peace. It’s Jesus. That thing you fear or desire most? Take it to Jesus. Surrender yourself and your trouble into His hands, and then strive to trust Him with it.

Last August as I lay awake the night before a medical procedure, I couldn’t stop thinking—but I could control what I was thinking about. Instead of focusing on needles and shots, I decided to concentrate on the attributes of God I learned while teaching first grade Sunday school. A: almighty. B: bountiful. C: Creator. D: Deliverer. E: eternal. Looking at the clock flash midnight, a wave of panic swept over me: this was going to be such a long night. How was I going to do this? I thought of my friend who was facing surgery just one hour after my very small procedure. I started praying for her, reviewing God’s attributes again. Then the thought came—God is eternal, He has no beginning and no end (Psalm 90:2). More than that, He has been upholding every single thing in this universe by the word of His power since He created it (Hebrews 1:3). It’s less than a drop in the bucket of His power for Him to sustain two women for ten-and-a-half hours. This is nothing to Him.

Look up. Look in. Look out. Look up again—and rest in Jesus.

When Mommy Can't Run: Grace, Faith, and the Postpartum Fight for Joy

How do you fight when darkness sweeps over your soul?
With truth you know--even if it is truth you don't feel.

 
Sometimes, persevering feels impossible.

October 22, 2015, was a night I could not sleep because the darkness inside my own mind scared me.

The twins were four months old. My oldest son was four years old. My daughter was two. Since the birth of the twins, I had not slept for more than four interrupted hours per night. All those restless nights and the roller coaster of hormones caught up with me. I was a spring so tightly wound I couldn’t take a break, because that would mean getting behind in diapers, in laundry, in dishes, in cleaning, in life. And yet not all the movement in the world could manage to clean up the continuous shrapnel of life with newborn twins and two young children. So I just got angry, first at my family, then at my nannies, then at the unsuspecting waitress at Applebee’s. My husband finally sat me down and wanted to know what was wrong. I wondered how he could think anything was right. But October 22, he trusted me enough to go to bed. And what did I do? Write.

I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop and wrote in the dark. Wrote of the lies that didn’t help. Wrote of the truth I knew was there even if I didn’t feel it. Wrote until I had reminded myself of enough truth that I could rest in that slim ray of hope. This is what I wrote:

This seems to be the year to have a baby. A number of friends have enlarged their families this year. But while neighbors are busy with introducing their third babies to the world, we alone got baby three and baby four in one pregnancy. It’s efficient, noteworthy, exciting, exhausting—and terrifying. I was not anxious about the thought of adding one more. When I found out it was TWO more, I was terrified. Some days I still am afraid of what may come as mommy walks alone through a long day after a restless night. However, I know that I am not walking alone. As I told the ultrasound tech at my clinic, God must have decided to stretch my character. More than that, He has been strengthening my faith by taking me to a place over my head, fixing my eyes on His sufficiency, and showing me how He gives grace one moment at a time.

Faith testifies most poignantly when under trial. Pregnancy and life with twins has given unique opportunities to speak of God’s goodness. While I was pregnant and apprehensive, nice people would try to calm my fears by saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” No one says that to me anymore. God did give me more than I can handle. But this insufficiency to meet life isn’t anything new. It was there before, because life is more than we can handle. I can’t sustain my own heartbeat, let alone my child’s ability to breathe. It’s just that as long as most of life goes according to our little plans, we don’t feel our smallness.

The gift of life with twins is the experience of 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Day after day, God has sustained us, sometimes by giving us strength to keep on going when we were already spent, or sometimes by providing help from our church or family. Either way, He always provides in a manner that testifies to power at work outside us. There is no story here of looking inside and finding strength. My inside is empty—the strength is His. The outcome: a testimony to the world that God is powerful and good. What we all need most isn’t another super mom, but an all-sufficient God.

Faith rises not to the occasion, but to its object. “You will rise to the occasion; you always do,” was another common remark directed at me during this pregnancy. As someone with a history of stage fright, I’ve risen to the occasion of delivering a speech and performing at a recital. That’s an occasion. Motherhood is a marathon—one that you run anew everyday with little sleep and spectators who scream for bottles and fight over the color of their spoons. You run out of occasions fast around here, but faith looks up above the hurdles. “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock” (Isaiah 26:3-4, emphasis added). Or as the psalmist writes, “I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2).

My faith is in God, not in myself. My faith is in the sovereign God who created all things—even twins—and who sustains all things—even exhausted mothers—by the word of His power (Hebrews 1:3). He is at work for our good, and will sustain our hands and hearts to hold every good thing He puts into our lives. He never tires, He never sleeps, and He carries His own as a tender shepherd carries lambs. He knows the minds of preschoolers and the illnesses of infants. He is gentle with the lowly and a mighty warrior who fights for His people. He never leaves us, and is faithful to answer every cry. He abounds. He is rich in lovingkindness, slow to anger, and merciful to remember that we are dust. This is our God. This is where my eyes are to be fixed. This is what will sustain me through the next day, night, hour, minute.

Faith trusts in God for moment by moment deliverance. It is so easy for fear to creep in. First comes a bad night—everyone waking up all the time. Then a hard morning. Then an afternoon when children don’t nap at the same time. Soon apprehension about the coming night grips your heart until despair begins to drain you of the any energy or enthusiasm you had to care for your children. Sleep becomes the idol, until you realize that God is still king, and knows what you need.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? [....] Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:25-27, 31)

Each day has its own trouble, its own need and its own provision. God will meet that need when it comes, and sustain you through the moment when it arrives, just as He has this moment. Corrie Ten Boom’s father explained it to her this way:

“Corrie,” he began gently, “when you and I go to Amsterdam—when do I give you your ticket?”

I sniffed a few times, considering this.

“Why just before we get on the train.”

“Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we’re going to need things, too. Don’t run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need—just in time.” (Ten Boom, Corrie. The Hiding Place. NY, NY: Bantam Books, 1974. P. 29.)

“Just in time.” You will have the strength you need just in time.

I saved the document at 2:37 a.m. on October 23, and went to bed. The fight wasn’t over, but the battle for that moment was won. There would be more battles, but also, mercifully, doctor appointments, gracious help, medication, sleep, meals, hope, and even laughter. God faithfully carried our family through that first night of postpartum depression, and He would continue to do so during the next twenty months without fail, and shaping my life in ways I could not have imagined. But that would all be in future moments. On October 23, He gave truth and rest for October 23, and that was just enough grace to persevere for one more night.